I Invite You to Muse About Scrolls

Hello, Internets!

Last night I had the honor of reading at the Scroll Bowl, housed by the lovely Stain Bar in Williamsburg, and let me tell you a thing about it: it was fantastic. Lots of really happening storytelling from really happening people! Thanks to the talented and well-groomed powers that be at Scroll Bowl for having me!

Please enjoy my Scroll Bowl piece, which you will find recreated below:




Scroll vs. Stone Tablet Ad Campaign

Ad 1

Scroll and Stone Tablet stand unassumingly before a large white backdrop. Scroll sports a casual smirk and New Balance cross trainers sneakers, thus encapsulating his laid back attitude, while Stone Tablet furrows his brow nervously and straightens his polyester tie, which clearly identifies him as an outdated loser.

SCROLL
Hello, I’m a Scroll.

STONE TABLET
And I’m a Stone Tablet.

Scroll begins to roll himself up completely, and then unroll himself.

STONE TABLET
Hey Scroll, what are you doing?

SCROLL
Oh, I’m just rolling and unrolling myself. My flexible texture makes me perfect to tote along to business meetings with the Pharaoh, or on the family vacation to the Dead Sea. I’m so lightweight and portable - your camel will hardly notice I’m there.

STONE TABLET
Oh.


Ad 2

Scroll writes upon himself with a quill. He stops to ponder, poising the tip of his quill near his lip, then goes back and crosses out a sentence before continuing to write fluidly.

STONE TABLET
What are you doing now?

SCROLL
Oh I’m just working on my novel. Since I’m made of such highly absorbent and adaptable material, writing has never been easier. I’m just brainstorming about the motivations of my heroine, Rebeccah, who goes totally “Kill Bill” on her husband when she finds out he has been spending all his money on expensive headscarves for concubine number three instead of sending their sons to the exclusive private school in the fanciest tent in the desert.

STONE TABLET
That’s interesting, Scroll. Maybe I’ll start working on my, uh, my screenplay. Yeah I mean it’s been in my head all these years I think it’s really time for me to flesh our my character arcs, you know? Yeah I think I’ll start that right now.

Stone Tablet grimaces smugly in Scroll’s direction, and then reaches for his chisel and hammer. As he bangs crude letters upon himself, he releases blood curdling yelps and cries.

SCROLL
That sounds painful, Stone Tablet. You’d better make it a haiku.

Ad 3

Stone Tablet enters, wearing a long white beard and a robe. He struts regally toward Scroll.

STONE TABLET
Hello, Scroll.

SCROLL
Hey, Stone Tablet. What’s with the get up?

STONE TABLET
Oh I just want to remind people that Stone Tablets are great for really important documents, religious artifacts, and other Godly items.

SCROLL
That’s true, Stone Tablet. But did you know that when you bring your stone tablets with you into any Scroll store, one of our Scroll geniuses will transfer all of your files onto scrolls? For free. Whether it’s a scripture passage, a family genealogy or a translation of many different languages. You know, no big deal. Just something us laid back, chilled out Scroll types like to do for our friends.

STONE TABLET
…God shall smite you for this.

Ad 4
Scroll and Stone Tablet stand before the white backdrop, with Scroll gazing brightly forward and Stone Tablet sporting a crazed frown.
Scroll begins to speak.

SCROLL
Hi I’m a –

In a singular movement, Stone Tablet tips himself over, flattening Scroll. Stone Tablet lays motionlessly atop Scroll, grinning and pleased.

STONE TABLET
Looks like rock covers paper today, motherfucker! I’ll tell you what I’m just perfect for, I’m just perfect for crushing smug a-holes mid-speech! I just –

A hairline crack begins to run up the center of Stone Tablet, and more cracks branch out, enveloping Stone Tablet like rapidly growing vines. All at once, Stone Tablet crumbles into several separate pieces.

Scroll bounces up carelessly, dusts off his NBs and smiles.

SCROLL
It is written… Get a scroll.