Friday, October 12, 2012

Halloween Spooks, from Least to Most Scary

Limp ventriloquist dummies hanging in a darkened, open closet

Ventriloquist dummies casually dismembered on a workman’s table

The burning red eyes of possessed ventriloquist dummies

A single ventriloquist dummy, clutching a knife, standing in the exact mathematical center of a baby’s bedroom

When a ventriloquist dummy’s head spins all the way around, regardless of context (looking at you, puppet-based stand-up comics)

A laughing ventriloquist dummy

The laugh of a ventriloquist dummy wafting in from another room

The be-stringed foot of a ventriloquist dummy as it disappears around a dark corner

Monday, September 24, 2012

How to Renew Your Driver's License: a Guide.

  1. Remember all at once, out of nowhere, just like that scene in Home Alone when the mom suddenly, violently remembers that they forgot Kevin, that your driver's license has been expired for two months.
  2. Almost cry with relief when you discover you can renew it online without having to drive to any strip mall or talk to any human being.
  3. Agonize over whether or not you should become an organ donor.
  4. Forget if your middle name appears on your Social Security card.
  5. Accidentally click the "back" button when you're half way through filling out the form, so the RMV web page is replaced by your Google search results for "what is the point of a box spring".
  6. Return to RMV web page and start from the beginning.
  7. Begrudgingly fork over 50 clams via "electronic check". (What?)
  8. Almost delete the confirmation email they send you when you're done, after self-assuredly misidentifying it as spam.


Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Saturday, June 16, 2012

James Joyce Roller Derby Names

Maims Joyce

Stephen Dead-alus

Molly Boom

Molly Doom

Leopold Tomb

Fuck Mull Again

Paddy Dig 'Em

Monday, May 14, 2012

American Body Types




Ping-pong paddle

Half-melted dollop of sour cream atop a baked potato


Poland Springs water bottle

24-pack of Poland Springs water bottles