Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I Invite You to Preview the Newest Vince Vaughn Holiday Vehicle

INT. - CATHOLIC CHURCH - DAY

FATHER SHANNON preaches from the pulpit to a reverent crowd.

FATHER SHANNON
And now I invite you all to come forward and receive the spirit of the Lord -

Father Shannon is startled by a loud bang at the rear of the church. The doors have been flung open and VINCE VAUGHN, awash in holy light and overpowering self assuredness, enters and waltzes down the aisle.

VINCE VAUGHN
Hey there all you God fearin' folks! A good lookin' crowd here for some ashes! Ash Wednesday! The day we all decide to sacrifice our sex appeal in the name of the J man upstairs, hey father? Use our foreheads like a big old God billboard! Okay hit me up padre, let's get ashified. I'm ready to get nutty, crazy, a little our of control in here with these ashes. Let's get ashed, get trashed, and let the chips fall where they may! Loosey Goosey! Yeah Ethel in pew 3 I'm talking to you! I want to take you on down to my funky, funky town! We can pray for your sick nephew on the way there!

FATHER SHANNON
That's fine Mr. Vaughn, but would you mind just lining up in an orderly fashion, please?

VINCE VAUGHN
Oh yeah sure Paddy, you got it absolutely 100%.

Friday, February 20, 2009

I Invite You to Pursue Your Missed Connections

Craigslist Missed Connections – Men for Women

Greenwich Village – July 5th
Petite and blonde, with adorable dimples and a long blue raincoat, you were rushing out of the Starbucks on 4th and 6th that rainy Wednesday morning. We made eye contact, but you got a cab before I could introduce myself. I think you’re exquisite and I’d love to buy you a cappuccino sometime.

Greenwich Village – July 6th
I unfortunately don’t know your Christian name, so I’ve started referring to you in my head as “my little ray of sunshine.” I hope that’s okay with you! Today you tried to hail a cab for almost 20 minutes, but no one would stop for you! You get the cutest wrinkles in your forehead when you’re frustrated.
You called someone - I think it was your grandmother, because of your sweet tone of voice. Or maybe you’re always that sweet to everyone on the phone? I bet you are.
I was the skinny brown haired guy holding the Discount Cell Phones sign on the corner, outside Starbucks. Were we making eyes? You already had a Blackberry so it definitely wasn’t my sign you were looking at. Let me know when I can buy you that cappuccino.

Greenwich Village – July 7th
My tiny, honey haired goddess, wearing a beautiful blue dress today, you almost spilled your venti coffee all over yourself as you exited the Starbucks – or as I’ve taken to calling it, “Our Place.” You should be more careful with your coffee – I would hate to think of your immaculate flesh being plagued with third degree burns! I spilled hot water on myself once – actually it was hot soup, and I didn’t spill it so much as the server at the shelter’s hand slipped – and it was horrible! Having to use old newspapers as bandages just made it worse. I’ll bet you have health insurance, though. You’re probably even a physician! A pediatrician! A caring medical professional!
You must have been rushing off to give flu shots to little children this morning. But don’t think I didn’t catch you checking me out before! I dressed up for you today, and I’m glad it paid off. I spent almost 15 dollars on that gold lame suit jacket at the good will! Sometimes when I look at you, I feel like time stops, and I could spend the rest of eternity staring at your angelic face. I could see by the worried way that you looked at me that you wished you could have stayed longer to chat.
I have to say I was disheartened that you caught a cab so quickly this morning, though I’m happy you weren’t late for the flu shots. Maybe you could explain the joys of pediatricianitism over coffee?

Greenwich Village – July 8th
My Little Ray of Sunshine, you were with a man this morning at Starbucks. Was this your father? Since he looked to be about your exact age, I have to think that’s probably not the case. I can’t ignore the feeling that you’re trying to make me jealous. My “Live Nude Girls” sign trembled as my imagination ran wild with images of this corporate looking asshole putting his undeserving hands all over your milky skin. I understand that girls like to play games, but to bring him to Our Place– very bold.
I now realize my anguished screaming and writhing on the pavement in front of you was a little uncouth. What I meant to say was “I love you – could we grab a coffee sometime?” And you don’t have to worry about my hair – the parts I tore out will definitely grow back. That’s the great thing about hair! If you go out with me this week, I promise I’ll wear a hat. Correct me if I’m wrong but the intonation in your voice when you whispered, “What is that psychopath screaming about?” suggested a stifled longing. Don’t ignore this fire. Get a coffee with me sometime.

Greenwich Village – July 9th
We came so close to fulfilling our destiny today, but unfortunately the stars haven’t fully aligned just yet. You were wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses when I saw you this morning – I barely recognized you! It was very hot out today, and if I had immaculately fair skin like yours I’d be worried about sun exposure too. Our eyes met, and I could see the fear of commitment washing over your face. I wanted to grab you and shake you and tell you, “don’t fear love!” So that’s why I grabbed you and shook you. I was about to tell you “don’t fear love!” when the traffic cop ran over and threw me on the ground. I understand that you didn’t stick up for me then, as law enforcement officers are intimidating, and I can sense you’re not ready for the attention of a public relationship. As you briskly walked away from the corner where I was being detained, I know you felt the pangs of regret, and the general sense of “what if..?” We can still get to know each other though – they give me free coffee at the precinct. Care to share a cup with me some lazy afternoon? I’ll be here till my hearing on the 18th, so take your time.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

I Invite You to Write Your Local Congressman

Dear New President,

First of all, thanks for taking the time to read this letter, president of the future! I hope my Ratatouille stationery brightens up your day as much as it does mine. I mean, just where does Ratatouille think he’s going with that ladle full of Bisque de Tomates? Certainly not any further than the edge of this piece of paper!
Anyways I’m really happy you got elected, sir. I didn't vote for you, but I never vote because I think that’s really just a new, fancy version of discrimination. And discrimination is wrong.
I just want to let you know how absolutely prepared I am for change. Big changes to how Americans live, think, communicate, breathe, ingest food, excrete food, and moisturize. Believe me, I’m with you 100%. Actually, make that 110%. (Note: scale is based on a maximum of 5 million percent.)
Please excuse my presumption, but as a 20-year Wendy’s employee who loves 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioners and collecting mass quantities of take out menus and organizing them in a folder in my kitchen, I think I am qualified to speak on behalf of every American. I’ve taken the liberty of drawing up a list of changes that I think would really make America prosper – just some inside info, from me to you.

Change number one: Tell all the homeless people in the US that you’ve found a special island for them among the US properties in the Caribbean where the heroin flows like wine. Board them all onto several Carnivale cruise liners and ship them to various icebergs throughout the Atlantic. Goodbye, disease!

Change number two: Discover a special island among the US properties in the Caribbean where the heroin flows like wine, and allow responsible, non-homeless heroin addicts like myself to vacation there without having to go through the hassle of getting a passport. You don’t need one for Puerto Rico, and really, the Caribbean isn’t much different.

Change number three: Teach dogs to think rationally and speak English (possibly Spanish and Mandarin as well if there’s time), so that they can baby-sit the kids of single moms, thus allowing the moms plenty of time to work 3 minimum wage jobs. You could probably even lower the minimum wage, since they’ll have so much more time to work!

Change number four: Over-the-counter prescription drugs.

Change number five: Free prescription drugs.

Change number six: Create a catapult network so that the elderly can be transported easily, thus saving millions in wheelchair production costs. Network should include only the local bingo hall and hospice. Any elderly person who needs to go anywhere other than those two places is up to something fishy anyways.

Change number seven: Instead of allowing people to waste resources by driving their gas-guzzling SUVs, let people who have always had a childhood fantasy of swimming in a big pool of gasoline put this finite asset to a more humanitarian use.

Change number eight: Finally take the plunge for Universal Healthcare. I mean, after all the poking and prodding we’ve done to their rotting carcasses at Area 51, we really owe the residents of the greater Universe a little something in return.

Change number nine: Allow Americans to distinguish themselves from those smarmy British assholes by adding The Goonies vernacular to grammar school curriculums and insisting that “HAYYOUGUYS” (one word) completely eclipse all other forms of American-English Hellos. (NOTE: no one tell Hugh Grant.)

Finally, Change number ten: Have Doctors put the Cancer thing on hold for a sec in order to create a form of urine that doesn’t burn when it comes out. I’ve been campaigning for this since about 1981, but it’s still yet to receive the attention it deserves. I really can’t believe no one else complains about this.

So there you have it - I tried to pick the most important ones, but I’ve got a whole legal pad’s worth of these gems underneath my mattress. If you’re ever lacking in the creativity department, I’ve enclosed my home phone number where you, or any of your attractive female interns, can reach me at any time.

See you on CNN!

Xoxoxo,

Stewart Cleaver
General Manager, Wendy’s
Plainville, Connecticut

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I Invite You to Take Advantage of the Best Excuse to Walk Around Like a Geisha

Besides actually being a geisha. Or portraying a geisha in some sort of theatrical presentation. Or fulfilling a sexual fetish.

Anyways, it’s snow and ice.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

I Invite You to Learn 20 New Things About Me!

1. I am so bored at work, LOL. I know 911 dispatchers aren’t allowed to go on Facebook while on duty, but I don’t care because I’m so BORED!
2. I love my girlies! Hi girls, if you’re reading this you must be SO BORED too, LOL!
3. I am in a committed relationship with the love of my life, a little guy by the name of Jose Cuervo. LOL! JK! But not really because I’m actually desperately lonely!
4. I really love indie movies, like The Notebook! Hello, Ryan Gosling in the rain! So buff, yet so tender!
5. I drowned every one of my childhood hamsters in the bathtub! There were six of them total! I planted every one of them under the radiator and pretended to cry when my mom found it! I wailed with such conviction that she never even asked why it was wet she just bought me another one!
6. I love tank tops!
7. When I was a little girl, I really wanted to be one of those people who gives tours of the cheese factory.
8. Sometimes I LOL at things that I don’t even think are funny, just so I’ll fit in with my girlies.
9. I never ROTFL at things that I don’t think are funny, because I’m too strong willed.
10. My girlies and I were the Spice Girls for Halloween, and they made me be Scary because my hair is so frizzy! I was actually really offended!
11. I genuinely miss Gouda, hamster number five. I didn’t really want to drown him, but I was on such a roll.
12. One time at a New Years Eve party, I got confetti up my nose and it hurt so much I cried! And all my girls told me to stop whining that I didn’t have anyone to kiss at midnight, but it really was just the confetti pain!
13. Later that same night I got champagne up my nose, and the bubbles hurt so bad I thought I was actually dying! My girlies told me to stop freaking out just because I was jealous that they all had boyfriends this year and Hank had left me, but it really just was the bubbles!
14. I’ve resented them all ever since! You hear me guys? I hate you all!
15. I am a total Shopaholic. Guilty, as charged! And I like to charge – often! Now I’m thousands of dollars in debt!
16. I told my mom I buried Gouda in the back yard, but actually kept him in a Sketchers box under my bed for a few months! I poked holes in the lid and put hamster pellets in every day, because I refused to accept what I had done!
17. My favorite TV show is Aflac commercials!
18. I couldn’t live without my blackberry, or as I like to call it my crack-berry! Because it’s so addictive! I’m addicted to it, like crack!
19. Sometimes I feel like every day, everything I do and say is a total lie.
20. I think Tostitos Hint of Lime are a complete mid-afternoon lifesaver!

I Invite You to Discover My Meaningful Plans

Before I can fully welcome you to this weblog, I feel it is important that you learn of my meaningful plans.

You see, I, unlike you average upper middle class postgraduate, long to contribute to the world in an effective manner. I have earned my bachelor's degree, traveled through obscure African nations, met several famous dignitaries and attended a tented summer beer-fest. I know a thing or two about this old world. These days no one can go on to wealth, acclaim and good fortune without a little bit of working for others involved. And I’m going to get my piece of this action, if it’s the last goddamned thing I do.

I have seen a million charities, and I do not think it presumptuous to say that I can rock them all. My Ivy league education has given me more skills than these charities would probably know what to do with, and my complete financial dependence on my parents means I have plenty of time to devote to such meaningful ventures, rather than worrying willy-nilly about rent, food, basic survival or any other less meaningful things. Frankly, I've always found it pretty irritating that these charities are out there sucking up all the meaning in the world, without any regard for other people, who might be more interested in large scale light installations and nude Zionist sculpture than ladling soup for cripples. I mean I clearly appreciate the important work of charities and know that they will come to play a crucial role in my meaningful plans, all I’m saying is I just think it’s pretty rich that these guys go around hogging all the meaning by making average citizens feel guilty when they fish change out of the Salvation Army pot on 83rd and Lex in order to finance a chimichanga at the Taco Bell down the street. No offense but 89 cents is not enough to buy even a sprinkling of heroin, and I definitely had plans to pay them back once I sobered up, though I forgot about it and actually just remembered that I did that right now. Still, all the dirty looks from every bell-wielding, ambiguously Asian fake Santa won’t make me feel badly about it.

Anyways I think getting involved with a charity will help me fulfill my dreams of being fulfilled, in a very fulfilling way. I want to go beyond the selfishness that is often associated with my generation, and I know that some slave time with a ladle, rubber gloves, and feigned interest will put me on the path to achieving this. I think I may skip over Salvation Army, in case any of those Asian Santas have astute memories or grudge holding tendencies, as well as any other charity that has anything to do with the homeless. I’m thinking a battered women’s shelter, or something with deaf children – you know, someplace quiet where everyone keeps to themselves.

Though honestly, my five year plan is to own my own charity. I see myself as president and CEO of My Meaningful Charity, an oasis for recent college graduates to feel good about themselves without even having to be in the same room as underprivileged children. My Meaningful Charity will give people the resources they need in order to achieve fulfillment and meaning, without the guilt and shame that comes with your average do-gooder agencies. This will be the final phase of my meaningful plans, allowing all my volunteers to participate in THC-infused sculpture sessions and candle lit yoga, all while accumulating the kind of deep sense of meaning that other charities can offer.

For now I will accept my fate and swallow my pride, cover myself in finger paint and food stamps and garner my meaning the old fashioned way. I will accumulate so much meaning, I will need to rent storage space for it, as it certainly can’t be wedged among my shelves full of important books. Once my plan is complete, my meaning will be rotund and flavorful, like a 17th century beer wench, and I will motorboat the shit out of my meaning. I will swell up with pride when others notice my abundance of meaning, and I will gleefully snub those who busy themselves with less meaningful activities, like Asian Santa dressing-upping.

Anyways I have charts. Would you like to see them?