Thursday, April 22, 2010

I Invite You To Hear My Wise Sports Commentary

Well folks, it looks like we’re definitely at least half way through this baseball game, if not more – can’t exactly see the scoreboard from my bleacher seat, but, you know. I can already see the bottom of my Cracker Jacks box, so I guess that’s a bad sign, seeing as I just bought it a few minutes ago. Oh goddamn it the prize is a temporary tattoo, again! What the hell am I gonna do with a temporary tattoo of a flaming snake with dice for eyes? I guess I could wear it as a joke, would that even be funny though?

Okay. Anyways. So, another guy is making his way up to the plate. Hopefully he’ll hit a baseball! But seriously folks, there had been several hits, and even more misses here in today’s baseball game. However, more or less, I think everyone involved seems to be enjoying him or herself.

Oh and it’s a really weird looking pitch from the Rangers’ guy with the interesting facial hair. That definitely looked weird to me, and it ended up going in the dirt, which doesn’t surprise me honestly, going on how weird it looked. Ball one! Or was it three? Can’t see the lights on the scoreboard that clearly, they’re sort of all blurring into one – does that mean I have astigmatism? Better make an appointment with my eye doctor. I see the commercials for it all the time buy I guess never really thought it could happen to me.

Oh and it’s a swing, followed directly by a miss! That’s probably good news for some of the fans here tonight, folks, whereas it would be considered bad news for others. Isn’t life weird?

Okay so that guy’s on base. He must’ve hit the ball at some point. Oh look wait now he’s running! Oh he’s out.

Now everyone’s just kind of hanging around. I think they’re switching pitchers? Now that’s an awesome band name. The Switching Pitchers. Yeah.

Allow me to set the stage a bit by telling you that they’re playing “We Will Rock You” here in the stadium, which almost feels embarrassing at this point. Is this still a thing people do at sporting events? Everyone’s trying to clap in unison, but you can only imagine how well all of that’s going. Do all these Bud-Light-addled straight dudes know this song is about gay rights?

Oh fuck, the guy with the hair, Ramirez! He’s out! No pun intended, folks. Yeah he tried to steal a base or some shit. I think some people might say that was a stupid move, but then again, others would say it was daring, so you know, I guess the jury’s still out on that one. Either way – getting outs certainly is not going to help this team win the game today, folks! In fact, some people might say that it will, in fact, help the opposite team.

Okay, a few straight strikeouts now, folks. Nothing really happening. For a second I thought that umpire was going to get really mad at that coach, but I guess he kept his cool, which is boring for me. Does anyone feel like getting up and getting me a beer? My foot’s asleep and I could use the walk, but somehow knowing this makes me less motivated…

Oh shit that’s a homerun! Goddamn it I missed it! How the hell is that even possible, I’m paying such meticulous attention!