Halloween Spooks, from Least to Most Scary

Limp ventriloquist dummies hanging in a darkened, open closet

Ventriloquist dummies casually dismembered on a workman’s table

The burning red eyes of possessed ventriloquist dummies

A single ventriloquist dummy, clutching a knife, standing in the exact mathematical center of a baby’s bedroom

When a ventriloquist dummy’s head spins all the way around, regardless of context (looking at you, puppet-based stand-up comics)

A laughing ventriloquist dummy

The laugh of a ventriloquist dummy wafting in from another room

The be-stringed foot of a ventriloquist dummy as it disappears around a dark corner

How to Renew Your Driver's License: a Guide.

1. Remember all at once, out of nowhere, just like that scene in Home Alone when the mom suddenly, violently remembers that they forgot Kevin, that your driver's license has been expired for two months.
2. Almost cry with relief when you discover you can renew it online without having to drive to any strip mall or talk to any human being.
3. Agonize over whether or not you should become an organ donor.
4. Forget if your middle name appears on your Social Security card.
5. Accidentally click the "back" button when you're half way through filling out the form, so the RMV web page is replaced by your Google search results for "what is the point of a box spring".
6. Return to RMV web page and start from the beginning.
7. Begrudgingly fork over 50 clams via "electronic check". (What?)
8. Almost delete the confirmation email they send you when you're done, after self-assuredly misidentifying it as spam.

Easy!

You may be asking yourself, "what do people google that leads them to this blog, and how much time do they then spend at this blog?"

The answers would be "putting human waste in the trash" and "zero seconds," respectively.

James Joyce Roller Derby Names

Maims Joyce

Stephen Dead-alus

Molly Boom

Molly Doom

Leopold Tomb

Fuck Mull Again

Paddy Dig 'Em

American Body Types

Pear

Apple

Hourglass

Ping-pong paddle

Half-melted dollop of sour cream atop a baked potato

Accordion

Poland Springs water bottle

24-pack of Poland Springs water bottles

Muffin

Are You Pregnant?: A Guide. By the State of Arizona.

(Before taking this quiz, please reference.)


Did you select the red bra before work this morning, knowing you have a date later? SEX-PLANNING. PREGNANT.

Have you ever let your gaze linger on the label of a pot of Newman's Own salsa? The one where illustrated Paul Newman is wearing that adorable sombrero? MIND SEX. PREGNANT.

Do you use OK Cupid? VIRTUAL WANTIN'-IT. E-PREGNANT.

Have you ever worn a dress without undies? THE WIND HAS BEEN ALL UP IN YOUR SHIT. IMPREGNATED-BY-NATURE PREGNANT.

Did a construction worker give you a lecherous glance on your way out of Dunkin Donuts this morning? MIND SEX. ACTUALLY MORE LIKE MIND RAPE, SINCE YOU WERE NOT WILLING. EITHER WAY THOUGH... PREGNANT. TAKE IT AS A BLESSING.

Do you use Super tampons? LOOSE VAGAY. PREGNANT.

Did you weirdly get your period twice this month? FIRST PERIOD CANCELS OUT SECOND PERIOD AND EQUALS MISSED PERIOD. PREGNANT.

Have you ever heard a Marvin Gaye song? DOUBLE PREGNANT.

Hilarious things I plan to say the next time I’m in a Focus Group

ME: Focus group! More like... focus... GROPE! (Gropes person next to me)

FIN

Susan G. Komen for the Cure's Future Plans

Susan G. Komen for the Cure will come to your house and cut your hair while you sleep. When you wake up and gaze into the mirror in horror, you will notice Susan G. Komen for the Cure has placed your severed ponytail atop your dresser, tied up in a silk sash, with an actually really lovely hand-written apology.

One afternoon, Susan G. Komen for the Cure will offer to buy everyone in the office smoothies, but will go around taking orders while you're in the bathroom. After venting about it to coworkers over by the vending machines for a few hours, you will return to your cube and find a fresh banana smoothie on your desk. Because Susan G. Komen for the Cure knows you hate bananas.

Susan G. Komen for the Cure will one day, without comment or explanation, stop following you on Twitter. After you get the hash tag #PwninKomen trending, Susan G. Komen for the Cure will start following you again. Everywhere you go. All day.

Susan G. Komen for the Cure will borrow your copy of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo for a year and a half. After you finally ask for it back, Susan G. Komen for the Cure will laughingly apologize, make a jokey "shoot me in the head" gesture, and then set your car on fire.

Debilitating Anxiety at the Rumpus

Attention all four people who read this blog:

Why not check out my Funny Women piece over at The Rumpus? Here, I'll even put the link to it right in this post.

Name your own Super PAC!

Step 1. Choose a status-quo-affirming verb

Protect
Conserve
Preserve
Defend
Guard
Secure
Strengthen
Uphold
Support
Maintain


Step 2. Choose a possessive adjective

Our
Your


Step 3. Choose a hackneyed, buzzwordy noun

Future
America
Country
Homeland
Integrity
Rights
Tomorrow
Citizens
Flag
Nation

And that’s it! Now you’re ready to raise a few thou’ from friendly neighborhood conglomerates and spend it on ethically dubious political advertising! Hooray! Happy Super-PACing, everyone!