I Invite You to Write Your Local Congressman

Dear New President,

First of all, thanks for taking the time to read this letter, president of the future! I hope my Ratatouille stationery brightens up your day as much as it does mine. I mean, just where does Ratatouille think he’s going with that ladle full of Bisque de Tomates? Certainly not any further than the edge of this piece of paper!
Anyways I’m really happy you got elected, sir. I didn't vote for you, but I never vote because I think that’s really just a new, fancy version of discrimination. And discrimination is wrong.
I just want to let you know how absolutely prepared I am for change. Big changes to how Americans live, think, communicate, breathe, ingest food, excrete food, and moisturize. Believe me, I’m with you 100%. Actually, make that 110%. (Note: scale is based on a maximum of 5 million percent.)
Please excuse my presumption, but as a 20-year Wendy’s employee who loves 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioners and collecting mass quantities of take out menus and organizing them in a folder in my kitchen, I think I am qualified to speak on behalf of every American. I’ve taken the liberty of drawing up a list of changes that I think would really make America prosper – just some inside info, from me to you.

Change number one: Tell all the homeless people in the US that you’ve found a special island for them among the US properties in the Caribbean where the heroin flows like wine. Board them all onto several Carnivale cruise liners and ship them to various icebergs throughout the Atlantic. Goodbye, disease!

Change number two: Discover a special island among the US properties in the Caribbean where the heroin flows like wine, and allow responsible, non-homeless heroin addicts like myself to vacation there without having to go through the hassle of getting a passport. You don’t need one for Puerto Rico, and really, the Caribbean isn’t much different.

Change number three: Teach dogs to think rationally and speak English (possibly Spanish and Mandarin as well if there’s time), so that they can baby-sit the kids of single moms, thus allowing the moms plenty of time to work 3 minimum wage jobs. You could probably even lower the minimum wage, since they’ll have so much more time to work!

Change number four: Over-the-counter prescription drugs.

Change number five: Free prescription drugs.

Change number six: Create a catapult network so that the elderly can be transported easily, thus saving millions in wheelchair production costs. Network should include only the local bingo hall and hospice. Any elderly person who needs to go anywhere other than those two places is up to something fishy anyways.

Change number seven: Instead of allowing people to waste resources by driving their gas-guzzling SUVs, let people who have always had a childhood fantasy of swimming in a big pool of gasoline put this finite asset to a more humanitarian use.

Change number eight: Finally take the plunge for Universal Healthcare. I mean, after all the poking and prodding we’ve done to their rotting carcasses at Area 51, we really owe the residents of the greater Universe a little something in return.

Change number nine: Allow Americans to distinguish themselves from those smarmy British assholes by adding The Goonies vernacular to grammar school curriculums and insisting that “HAYYOUGUYS” (one word) completely eclipse all other forms of American-English Hellos. (NOTE: no one tell Hugh Grant.)

Finally, Change number ten: Have Doctors put the Cancer thing on hold for a sec in order to create a form of urine that doesn’t burn when it comes out. I’ve been campaigning for this since about 1981, but it’s still yet to receive the attention it deserves. I really can’t believe no one else complains about this.

So there you have it - I tried to pick the most important ones, but I’ve got a whole legal pad’s worth of these gems underneath my mattress. If you’re ever lacking in the creativity department, I’ve enclosed my home phone number where you, or any of your attractive female interns, can reach me at any time.

See you on CNN!

Xoxoxo,

Stewart Cleaver
General Manager, Wendy’s
Plainville, Connecticut