Jon and Kate, Episode 506, interview footage
KATE
Well we were all really excited for the kids' new playhouse units to get delivered, so the kids were of course very riled up. I sat them down and we all took turns reading delivery menus aloud to help us relax. They kept asking, "what's Daddy doing? Where is Daddy? Is Daddy home, we haven't seen him in 4 months? Do you think he'll bring us exotic presents from his long vacation?" Adorable! It was actually really funny, because poor Jon was over in the woods behind the house, just taking forever to clear out the space where he wanted the houses to go. It was very, very funny, watching him in that ridiculous tractor, just failing completely, and at such a slow pace. Funny.
JON
Yeah, uh, I rented the tractor from the father of this girl I used to go water skiing with. Little brunette. Cindy. We used to take turns rubbing suntan lotion on each others' bodies. We'd start out with the feet, then work our way up. Calves, thighs. Skin like a creamy mocha latte.
KATE
So Jon is back there in this very dangerous section of our backyard. I mean, extra prickly tree branches, wolverines... who knows what's back there. I knew it would cause World War 3, but I had to assert myself on behalf of the kids. I knew the playhouses needed to be in the safe, comfortable area in the middle of our backyard. I mean, he says he's looking out for the kids' interests, but forcing them to Mowgli it up, deep in the creepy backyard woods, instead of offering them the opportunity to put their hands under their chins and lean out the window of their houses, adorably, in height order, for loving OK! magazine photographers to capture... well, you can be the judge of who's looking out for the kids.
JON
Sometimes the suntan lotion would dribble down her lower back, and she'd need me to rub it in. We used to kayak. I used to do a lot of things.
KATE
All the kids got to pick their own designs for their houses, which was really just a treat. We have a pirate house, a princess house... Mady, she wanted a haunted house... I mean, of course, I want her to choose what she wants. It's all about her decisions. So that's why I asked her, "Mady, are you sure you want your playhouse to be haunted house themed? Because that might just be asking for the ghost of Great-Nana Gosselin to come practice her spooky Korean witchcraft in your very crooked house? Because she always singled you out as the weakest anyways?" And when she nodded solemnly, I just dropped it right there. Because it's her life and it's her decision, and I knew Dr. Van Beuren would be happy to hear of my relaxed sense of acceptance.
JON
Kate doesn't like the kids acting morbid. She's afraid they'll grow up and wanna shop at Hot Topic in the mall. Kate... she... she hates Hot Topic. Goth kids. Kids, in general. She hates a lot of things. She is hateful.
KATE
So then it was time for stickers! We put stickers all over the insides of the houses! Me and Jon were having a really hard time with our relationship that day, but it was important to me to keep that all inside. Don't wanna disturb the children, or upset them. Yes, just bottled right up inside. Like a pulsating, clogged volcano, aching to unleash its fury on all in its path.
JON
...I'm sorry, are there more beer nuts around?
KATE
I'm tired of smiling on the outside and crying on the inside. You know? I'm tired of Posh spice haircut on the outside, Martha Stewart classic bob on the inside. You know what I mean? It's time for closure.
JON
Uh, yeah I mean, I don't hate Kate or anything. Even if it's only because I'm too dead inside to feel emotions strongly anymore, I think that's a positive thing. That I don't hate her. Well, I should say, more like incapable of hating her, or anyone. Or anything. It's really turned around the way I feel about Cooler Ranch Doritos. Used to hate those fuckin' things.
KATE
So, we'll just be filming our footage for the rest of the season at separate times, in separate spaces. Do you have a stamp? I need to have these divorce papers in the mailbox by noon or else it won't be finalized in time for the next show. Are you getting a good angle on this?
JON
I wonder if Cindy likes Cooler Ranch. That might be a good way to get back in touch. Just call her up, say, "Cindy, do you like Cooler Ranch Doritos? How about we eat some sometime." Yeah.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I Invite You to Monday Afternoon Story Time at Border's, Columbus Circle
Okay, parents – Cadence and I just don’t know why you’re not dancing. We keep trying to understand you guys, but you just make it really, really difficult. Challenging. Challengingly difficult.
I mean, this is Cyndie Lauper’s “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”! All of your tiny persons are shakin’ it loose up here on our special boogie-woogie shag rug in their own uniquely awesome ways. How can you not be jumping from your seats to join them? Are you just too busy booking appointments at Polish waxing salons to love your tiny adults, or something? Yeah, Blackberry lady, I mean you. Or maybe it’s because since you’re not a girl, you think the song doesn’t apply to you, baldie in the front? Well not only is that opinion wrong, but it’s also sexist. DOUBLE wrong. Tuck your Dockers into your socks and fucking come bust a move from your days at the discothèque, or something, if you don’t want me to file a discrimination suit on Monday.
Now, my little rock and rollers, don’t we want mommy and daddy to come dance with us? Don’t we crave their love and support! Won’t we hate them forever and get our genitals pierced if they don’t come sing along to Cyndie Lauper right this second? Hooray! You heard them, folks! Now you’re all obligated to get up and dance! Unless you want Cadence and I to think you’re racists! Racist Terrorists! Come on, get up and dance!
Cadence and I sure love this groove, my little home slices! I think you’re all doing a great job expressing your emotion in a healthy physical way. I’m so glad we’re all so empowered today! Feel the natural power of the human chi! Do you feel that, power suit lady? The chi? I think it’d be a lot easier to feel it if you ended your phone conversation and joined the rest of us. And yes I speak French too, madame, and I believe the word you were looking for was le putain. I don’t think le slutbag de patchouli is actual French. Maybe in the South. Frankly I’m not sure.
Listen, this isn’t some chump story hour at Borders in Weehawken, okay? This is Borders Story Rockin’ Time, in Columbus Circle. Okay, you guys? There’s a Williams and Sonoma down stairs. This is the real shit right here. And I think I can speak for Cadence as well when I say we both would really appreciate it if you started acting accordingly.
Now. Can we have a daddy-daughter team of volunteer for our Rockin’ Summer Solstice sacrifice? Before you freak, the goat is already dead, we just need you to smear the blood on your firstborn’s forehead. We’ll cover the chanting! How about you, Sandra? Are you the oldest?
I mean, this is Cyndie Lauper’s “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”! All of your tiny persons are shakin’ it loose up here on our special boogie-woogie shag rug in their own uniquely awesome ways. How can you not be jumping from your seats to join them? Are you just too busy booking appointments at Polish waxing salons to love your tiny adults, or something? Yeah, Blackberry lady, I mean you. Or maybe it’s because since you’re not a girl, you think the song doesn’t apply to you, baldie in the front? Well not only is that opinion wrong, but it’s also sexist. DOUBLE wrong. Tuck your Dockers into your socks and fucking come bust a move from your days at the discothèque, or something, if you don’t want me to file a discrimination suit on Monday.
Now, my little rock and rollers, don’t we want mommy and daddy to come dance with us? Don’t we crave their love and support! Won’t we hate them forever and get our genitals pierced if they don’t come sing along to Cyndie Lauper right this second? Hooray! You heard them, folks! Now you’re all obligated to get up and dance! Unless you want Cadence and I to think you’re racists! Racist Terrorists! Come on, get up and dance!
Cadence and I sure love this groove, my little home slices! I think you’re all doing a great job expressing your emotion in a healthy physical way. I’m so glad we’re all so empowered today! Feel the natural power of the human chi! Do you feel that, power suit lady? The chi? I think it’d be a lot easier to feel it if you ended your phone conversation and joined the rest of us. And yes I speak French too, madame, and I believe the word you were looking for was le putain. I don’t think le slutbag de patchouli is actual French. Maybe in the South. Frankly I’m not sure.
Listen, this isn’t some chump story hour at Borders in Weehawken, okay? This is Borders Story Rockin’ Time, in Columbus Circle. Okay, you guys? There’s a Williams and Sonoma down stairs. This is the real shit right here. And I think I can speak for Cadence as well when I say we both would really appreciate it if you started acting accordingly.
Now. Can we have a daddy-daughter team of volunteer for our Rockin’ Summer Solstice sacrifice? Before you freak, the goat is already dead, we just need you to smear the blood on your firstborn’s forehead. We’ll cover the chanting! How about you, Sandra? Are you the oldest?
Monday, June 15, 2009
I Invite You to Approve of the Edgy Facebook "Usernames" I Am Considering Adopting, In Order to Drive Up Traffic to my Page
Robert Pattinson
Robert Pattinson's girlfriend
Robert Pattinson's boyfriend
Robert Pattinson's girlfriend
Robert Pattinson's boyfriend
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I Invite You to Relive Scroll Bowl!
Hello, nurse!
This post contains my scroll from Sunday's Scroll Bowl 3. WHICH was a huge success. So thanks if you came out to Hugs and made it so!
Read on if you care to relive the awesome power of Scroll Bowl via an internet box.
----
Weekly Arlington Catholic High School Newsletter: Scroll Bowl Prom edition, Written by Sister Mary Scanlon, math teacher
Dear Students and Parents,
I am delighted, thrilled, enchanted and enamored to announce that we have settled on a theme for this year's senior scroll bowl: A Touch Of Class. I'm sure you'll find this theme to be a perfect blend of whimsy and maturity. I think I speak for all parents here on the PTA board when I say how thoroughly, wholeheartedly, splendidly and spectacularly we have enjoyed watching you grow, learn, and mature over these past scroll bowls. We are very much looking forward to seeing you and your scrolls all dolled up for this, the most magical, fantastical, whimsical and transitional night of your lives to date. (Please note: i mean "magical" in the literary sense of the word. Any practicing of black magic, voo doo or Protestantism will result in a barring from the event.)
I'm sure I won't be the first to tell you students that we all expect the utmost maturity from you come prom night. Please recall that you are no longer children, but indeed, young adults. And as young adults, you assume a whole new class of responsibilities, ethics, commitments, and standards. If you heed our few simple requests, we are confident that all students, faculty, and parents will have a most magical scroll bowl experience.
When scrolling, please always remember to leave at least 2 feet of room between you and your scroll for the Holy Spirit. We certainly want this event to remain an evening of wholesome fun, and we all know any uncouth touching could ruin this for us all. Not to mention resulting in the eternal burning of your immortal soul.
As you should be well aware, the consumption of alcoholic beverages will not be tolerated by administrators. All purses, pockets and garter belts are subject to inspection, and should we find that any one of you has provided alcohol for your underage scroll, you will be dismissed from the event and subject to further disciplinary action by both the Dean of Students and our Lord and Savior. Please behave as the young adults we know you are.
if you would like your pictured taken with your scroll, Don from Don-ned Good Portraits will be on hand manufacturing professional photographic memories. You may choose from three backgrounds: moonlight serenade, under the sea, or the scene of the birth of Jesus. Please be sure you check the appropriate box on the photo form prior to lining up for your photos.
And last but not least, please remember to have a fantastic, wonderful, amazing, life-changing experience at your senior Scroll Bowl. And please bring all checks made payable to the school to my classroom by Tuesday.
Sincerely, with God's grace,
Sister Scanlon
This post contains my scroll from Sunday's Scroll Bowl 3. WHICH was a huge success. So thanks if you came out to Hugs and made it so!
Read on if you care to relive the awesome power of Scroll Bowl via an internet box.
----
Weekly Arlington Catholic High School Newsletter: Scroll Bowl Prom edition, Written by Sister Mary Scanlon, math teacher
Dear Students and Parents,
I am delighted, thrilled, enchanted and enamored to announce that we have settled on a theme for this year's senior scroll bowl: A Touch Of Class. I'm sure you'll find this theme to be a perfect blend of whimsy and maturity. I think I speak for all parents here on the PTA board when I say how thoroughly, wholeheartedly, splendidly and spectacularly we have enjoyed watching you grow, learn, and mature over these past scroll bowls. We are very much looking forward to seeing you and your scrolls all dolled up for this, the most magical, fantastical, whimsical and transitional night of your lives to date. (Please note: i mean "magical" in the literary sense of the word. Any practicing of black magic, voo doo or Protestantism will result in a barring from the event.)
I'm sure I won't be the first to tell you students that we all expect the utmost maturity from you come prom night. Please recall that you are no longer children, but indeed, young adults. And as young adults, you assume a whole new class of responsibilities, ethics, commitments, and standards. If you heed our few simple requests, we are confident that all students, faculty, and parents will have a most magical scroll bowl experience.
When scrolling, please always remember to leave at least 2 feet of room between you and your scroll for the Holy Spirit. We certainly want this event to remain an evening of wholesome fun, and we all know any uncouth touching could ruin this for us all. Not to mention resulting in the eternal burning of your immortal soul.
As you should be well aware, the consumption of alcoholic beverages will not be tolerated by administrators. All purses, pockets and garter belts are subject to inspection, and should we find that any one of you has provided alcohol for your underage scroll, you will be dismissed from the event and subject to further disciplinary action by both the Dean of Students and our Lord and Savior. Please behave as the young adults we know you are.
if you would like your pictured taken with your scroll, Don from Don-ned Good Portraits will be on hand manufacturing professional photographic memories. You may choose from three backgrounds: moonlight serenade, under the sea, or the scene of the birth of Jesus. Please be sure you check the appropriate box on the photo form prior to lining up for your photos.
And last but not least, please remember to have a fantastic, wonderful, amazing, life-changing experience at your senior Scroll Bowl. And please bring all checks made payable to the school to my classroom by Tuesday.
Sincerely, with God's grace,
Sister Scanlon
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