I Invite You To a Very Special Episode of "Jon and Kate Plus 8"

Jon and Kate, Episode 506, interview footage

KATE
Well we were all really excited for the kids' new playhouse units to get delivered, so the kids were of course very riled up. I sat them down and we all took turns reading delivery menus aloud to help us relax. They kept asking, "what's Daddy doing? Where is Daddy? Is Daddy home, we haven't seen him in 4 months? Do you think he'll bring us exotic presents from his long vacation?" Adorable! It was actually really funny, because poor Jon was over in the woods behind the house, just taking forever to clear out the space where he wanted the houses to go. It was very, very funny, watching him in that ridiculous tractor, just failing completely, and at such a slow pace. Funny.

JON
Yeah, uh, I rented the tractor from the father of this girl I used to go water skiing with. Little brunette. Cindy. We used to take turns rubbing suntan lotion on each others' bodies. We'd start out with the feet, then work our way up. Calves, thighs. Skin like a creamy mocha latte.

KATE
So Jon is back there in this very dangerous section of our backyard. I mean, extra prickly tree branches, wolverines... who knows what's back there. I knew it would cause World War 3, but I had to assert myself on behalf of the kids. I knew the playhouses needed to be in the safe, comfortable area in the middle of our backyard. I mean, he says he's looking out for the kids' interests, but forcing them to Mowgli it up, deep in the creepy backyard woods, instead of offering them the opportunity to put their hands under their chins and lean out the window of their houses, adorably, in height order, for loving OK! magazine photographers to capture... well, you can be the judge of who's looking out for the kids.

JON
Sometimes the suntan lotion would dribble down her lower back, and she'd need me to rub it in. We used to kayak. I used to do a lot of things.

KATE
All the kids got to pick their own designs for their houses, which was really just a treat. We have a pirate house, a princess house... Mady, she wanted a haunted house... I mean, of course, I want her to choose what she wants. It's all about her decisions. So that's why I asked her, "Mady, are you sure you want your playhouse to be haunted house themed? Because that might just be asking for the ghost of Great-Nana Gosselin to come practice her spooky Korean witchcraft in your very crooked house? Because she always singled you out as the weakest anyways?" And when she nodded solemnly, I just dropped it right there. Because it's her life and it's her decision, and I knew Dr. Van Beuren would be happy to hear of my relaxed sense of acceptance.

JON
Kate doesn't like the kids acting morbid. She's afraid they'll grow up and wanna shop at Hot Topic in the mall. Kate... she... she hates Hot Topic. Goth kids. Kids, in general. She hates a lot of things. She is hateful.

KATE
So then it was time for stickers! We put stickers all over the insides of the houses! Me and Jon were having a really hard time with our relationship that day, but it was important to me to keep that all inside. Don't wanna disturb the children, or upset them. Yes, just bottled right up inside. Like a pulsating, clogged volcano, aching to unleash its fury on all in its path.

JON
...I'm sorry, are there more beer nuts around?

KATE
I'm tired of smiling on the outside and crying on the inside. You know? I'm tired of Posh spice haircut on the outside, Martha Stewart classic bob on the inside. You know what I mean? It's time for closure.

JON
Uh, yeah I mean, I don't hate Kate or anything. Even if it's only because I'm too dead inside to feel emotions strongly anymore, I think that's a positive thing. That I don't hate her. Well, I should say, more like incapable of hating her, or anyone. Or anything. It's really turned around the way I feel about Cooler Ranch Doritos. Used to hate those fuckin' things.

KATE
So, we'll just be filming our footage for the rest of the season at separate times, in separate spaces. Do you have a stamp? I need to have these divorce papers in the mailbox by noon or else it won't be finalized in time for the next show. Are you getting a good angle on this?

JON
I wonder if Cindy likes Cooler Ranch. That might be a good way to get back in touch. Just call her up, say, "Cindy, do you like Cooler Ranch Doritos? How about we eat some sometime." Yeah.