Okay, parents – Cadence and I just don’t know why you’re not dancing. We keep trying to understand you guys, but you just make it really, really difficult. Challenging. Challengingly difficult.
I mean, this is Cyndie Lauper’s “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”! All of your tiny persons are shakin’ it loose up here on our special boogie-woogie shag rug in their own uniquely awesome ways. How can you not be jumping from your seats to join them? Are you just too busy booking appointments at Polish waxing salons to love your tiny adults, or something? Yeah, Blackberry lady, I mean you. Or maybe it’s because since you’re not a girl, you think the song doesn’t apply to you, baldie in the front? Well not only is that opinion wrong, but it’s also sexist. DOUBLE wrong. Tuck your Dockers into your socks and fucking come bust a move from your days at the discothèque, or something, if you don’t want me to file a discrimination suit on Monday.
Now, my little rock and rollers, don’t we want mommy and daddy to come dance with us? Don’t we crave their love and support! Won’t we hate them forever and get our genitals pierced if they don’t come sing along to Cyndie Lauper right this second? Hooray! You heard them, folks! Now you’re all obligated to get up and dance! Unless you want Cadence and I to think you’re racists! Racist Terrorists! Come on, get up and dance!
Cadence and I sure love this groove, my little home slices! I think you’re all doing a great job expressing your emotion in a healthy physical way. I’m so glad we’re all so empowered today! Feel the natural power of the human chi! Do you feel that, power suit lady? The chi? I think it’d be a lot easier to feel it if you ended your phone conversation and joined the rest of us. And yes I speak French too, madame, and I believe the word you were looking for was le putain. I don’t think le slutbag de patchouli is actual French. Maybe in the South. Frankly I’m not sure.
Listen, this isn’t some chump story hour at Borders in Weehawken, okay? This is Borders Story Rockin’ Time, in Columbus Circle. Okay, you guys? There’s a Williams and Sonoma down stairs. This is the real shit right here. And I think I can speak for Cadence as well when I say we both would really appreciate it if you started acting accordingly.
Now. Can we have a daddy-daughter team of volunteer for our Rockin’ Summer Solstice sacrifice? Before you freak, the goat is already dead, we just need you to smear the blood on your firstborn’s forehead. We’ll cover the chanting! How about you, Sandra? Are you the oldest?
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