I Invite You to Indoor Gym

Okay, kids, it's indoor gym today.

I know you've grown fond of our springtime walks through the neighborhood cemetery, but it is raining cats and dogs outside right now. And everybody knows that when it rains, the ground gets too mushy and laden with zombie corpses for us to walk on. Disappointing, I know, but if someone gets so much as slimed on by a zombie I'm going to be up to my ears in paperwork, so let's just try to avoid the whole situation with a nice game of indoor handball.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I just found out this morning that my pitch to have the school's budget surplus spent on the development of a 100% non-hallowed-ground playing field was denied. The surplus this year went to new zombie outreach programs, so it's looking like we won't have a spiritually pure outdoor space to officially call Wildcats property until at least 2010, so we're going to have to deal with it till then. What can you do.

I certainly hope no one forgot their sneaker shoes today. If you only have your oxfords, you'll have to sit in the bleachers and receive a demerit for this period. Though I'm going to insist you wear protective goggles anyways, just in case a stray handball exceeds the bounds of the blue tape on the basketball court. Also, I've locked the gymnasium doors, but I cannot guarantee that a wayward zombie will not bust the lock and attempt to suck the eyeballs clean out of your skull. So please kids, the goggles, they're in the mesh bag hanging from the doorknob.

Now you're going to need to divide yourselves into two teams. I'm going to say Mary and Joey will serve as team captains, so come on up here you guys and pick your teams. You guys are natural leaders, so please condone sportsmanship in the game, and levelheadedness in the case of a zombie invasion. Remember what we said about meandering aimlessly with no show of emotion at the first sign of a militant zombie? And please be sure to keep your giggling to a minimum this time, Jason, as I forgot my good axe in my shed and therefore won't be there to hack the skull of every annoyed zombie trying to attack you. You can groan all you want, but no giggling. Let's all behave respectfully, please, and honor the cultural customs of any zombies we may encounter during this period and for the rest of the day.

Okay, let's have Mary's team grab some pinnies and we can get this game started! If a friendly wandering zombie asks to play we can of course accommodate him, but please, don't give him a pinnie if you take him on your team, Mary, as sludge of the undead always clogs up the washing machines. Just try to remember whose team the zombie is on everyone, or call a "TO" if you get confused.

Those of you in the bleachers, please work quietly on other projects, and those of you in play get into position. Remember, this is indoor gym today, so I'm going to ask you to use your inside voices. We don't want to disturb neighboring classes who are trying to learn, and we all should know at this point that screaming loudly when zombies may be within ear shot is pretty much asking for it.

Get ready for the whistle!