Johnson & Johnson experienced a small drop in profit in the first quarter, as many cash-strapped Americans are cutting back by just using their own spit to masturbate with.
Though the economy may be hitting rock bottom, there is a reported decline in recent AA meeting attendance. Unfortunately there is a rise in debt-mired alcoholics skipping AA meetings to douse themselves in Jack Daniels and set themselves on fire.
The economic meltdown is inspiring many people to cancel fancy trips in favor of "stay-cations", which is a very clever word for using vacation time to sit on the couch and eat ramen noodles out of old cool whip containers while watching basic cable. Oh but also while wearing a bathing suit.
Mrs. Bernie Madoff has been banned from her UES beauty salon, as the rich clientele, made slightly less rich by her husband's Ponzi scheme, can't stand the sight of her. Another place Mrs. Madoff has been banned from? The gold swimming pool at Equinox.
According to the Financial Times, women have started purchasing more liquid foundation, instead of the usual go-to of lipstick, in times of economic strife. Apparently liquid foundation contains 7 daily nutrients and has a higher caloric value than a measly lipstick.
Even the once glamorous auto shows of GM and Chrysler are being hit by the economic downturn. Just some of the signs of depression include showgirls being forced to wear the same designer suits as last year, the utter lack of acrobatic dolphins jumping from one sea-water-filled hummer to the next, and the unsightly absence of William Shatner tap dancing atop a pile of Cadillacs. Shameful!
Goldman Sachs may be the first big bank to repay its government loans after a hefty first quarter profit, meaning that they can finally give up the exhaustive and time consuming activity of pretending to give a fuck and get back to blatantly not giving a fuck.
A New York law firm is paying some of its lawyers a third of their annual salary to take a year off from work. These lawyers now join the ranks with Michael Jackson's prepubescent friends in the "Famously Paid to Go Away" hall of fame.
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