I Invite You To Hear My Wise Sports Commentary

Well folks, it looks like we’re definitely at least half way through this baseball game, if not more – can’t exactly see the scoreboard from my bleacher seat, but, you know. I can already see the bottom of my Cracker Jacks box, so I guess that’s a bad sign, seeing as I just bought it a few minutes ago. Oh goddamn it the prize is a temporary tattoo, again! What the hell am I gonna do with a temporary tattoo of a flaming snake with dice for eyes? I guess I could wear it as a joke, would that even be funny though?

Okay. Anyways. So, another guy is making his way up to the plate. Hopefully he’ll hit a baseball! But seriously folks, there had been several hits, and even more misses here in today’s baseball game. However, more or less, I think everyone involved seems to be enjoying him or herself.

Oh and it’s a really weird looking pitch from the Rangers’ guy with the interesting facial hair. That definitely looked weird to me, and it ended up going in the dirt, which doesn’t surprise me honestly, going on how weird it looked. Ball one! Or was it three? Can’t see the lights on the scoreboard that clearly, they’re sort of all blurring into one – does that mean I have astigmatism? Better make an appointment with my eye doctor. I see the commercials for it all the time buy I guess never really thought it could happen to me.

Oh and it’s a swing, followed directly by a miss! That’s probably good news for some of the fans here tonight, folks, whereas it would be considered bad news for others. Isn’t life weird?

Okay so that guy’s on base. He must’ve hit the ball at some point. Oh look wait now he’s running! Oh he’s out.

Now everyone’s just kind of hanging around. I think they’re switching pitchers? Now that’s an awesome band name. The Switching Pitchers. Yeah.

Allow me to set the stage a bit by telling you that they’re playing “We Will Rock You” here in the stadium, which almost feels embarrassing at this point. Is this still a thing people do at sporting events? Everyone’s trying to clap in unison, but you can only imagine how well all of that’s going. Do all these Bud-Light-addled straight dudes know this song is about gay rights?

Oh fuck, the guy with the hair, Ramirez! He’s out! No pun intended, folks. Yeah he tried to steal a base or some shit. I think some people might say that was a stupid move, but then again, others would say it was daring, so you know, I guess the jury’s still out on that one. Either way – getting outs certainly is not going to help this team win the game today, folks! In fact, some people might say that it will, in fact, help the opposite team.

Okay, a few straight strikeouts now, folks. Nothing really happening. For a second I thought that umpire was going to get really mad at that coach, but I guess he kept his cool, which is boring for me. Does anyone feel like getting up and getting me a beer? My foot’s asleep and I could use the walk, but somehow knowing this makes me less motivated…

Oh shit that’s a homerun! Goddamn it I missed it! How the hell is that even possible, I’m paying such meticulous attention!

IMDb User Review Titles That Could Also Double as Fine Critiques of the Iraq War

There is something wrong with every single aspect of this!

Bad as the smell of the rotting dead animal under my trailer

Embarrassingly disappointing

This horrible thing should be illegal

Admirable attempt yet a complete failure

I Invite You To a Very Special Episode of "Jon and Kate Plus 8"

Jon and Kate, Episode 506, interview footage

KATE
Well we were all really excited for the kids' new playhouse units to get delivered, so the kids were of course very riled up. I sat them down and we all took turns reading delivery menus aloud to help us relax. They kept asking, "what's Daddy doing? Where is Daddy? Is Daddy home, we haven't seen him in 4 months? Do you think he'll bring us exotic presents from his long vacation?" Adorable! It was actually really funny, because poor Jon was over in the woods behind the house, just taking forever to clear out the space where he wanted the houses to go. It was very, very funny, watching him in that ridiculous tractor, just failing completely, and at such a slow pace. Funny.

JON
Yeah, uh, I rented the tractor from the father of this girl I used to go water skiing with. Little brunette. Cindy. We used to take turns rubbing suntan lotion on each others' bodies. We'd start out with the feet, then work our way up. Calves, thighs. Skin like a creamy mocha latte.

KATE
So Jon is back there in this very dangerous section of our backyard. I mean, extra prickly tree branches, wolverines... who knows what's back there. I knew it would cause World War 3, but I had to assert myself on behalf of the kids. I knew the playhouses needed to be in the safe, comfortable area in the middle of our backyard. I mean, he says he's looking out for the kids' interests, but forcing them to Mowgli it up, deep in the creepy backyard woods, instead of offering them the opportunity to put their hands under their chins and lean out the window of their houses, adorably, in height order, for loving OK! magazine photographers to capture... well, you can be the judge of who's looking out for the kids.

JON
Sometimes the suntan lotion would dribble down her lower back, and she'd need me to rub it in. We used to kayak. I used to do a lot of things.

KATE
All the kids got to pick their own designs for their houses, which was really just a treat. We have a pirate house, a princess house... Mady, she wanted a haunted house... I mean, of course, I want her to choose what she wants. It's all about her decisions. So that's why I asked her, "Mady, are you sure you want your playhouse to be haunted house themed? Because that might just be asking for the ghost of Great-Nana Gosselin to come practice her spooky Korean witchcraft in your very crooked house? Because she always singled you out as the weakest anyways?" And when she nodded solemnly, I just dropped it right there. Because it's her life and it's her decision, and I knew Dr. Van Beuren would be happy to hear of my relaxed sense of acceptance.

JON
Kate doesn't like the kids acting morbid. She's afraid they'll grow up and wanna shop at Hot Topic in the mall. Kate... she... she hates Hot Topic. Goth kids. Kids, in general. She hates a lot of things. She is hateful.

KATE
So then it was time for stickers! We put stickers all over the insides of the houses! Me and Jon were having a really hard time with our relationship that day, but it was important to me to keep that all inside. Don't wanna disturb the children, or upset them. Yes, just bottled right up inside. Like a pulsating, clogged volcano, aching to unleash its fury on all in its path.

JON
...I'm sorry, are there more beer nuts around?

KATE
I'm tired of smiling on the outside and crying on the inside. You know? I'm tired of Posh spice haircut on the outside, Martha Stewart classic bob on the inside. You know what I mean? It's time for closure.

JON
Uh, yeah I mean, I don't hate Kate or anything. Even if it's only because I'm too dead inside to feel emotions strongly anymore, I think that's a positive thing. That I don't hate her. Well, I should say, more like incapable of hating her, or anyone. Or anything. It's really turned around the way I feel about Cooler Ranch Doritos. Used to hate those fuckin' things.

KATE
So, we'll just be filming our footage for the rest of the season at separate times, in separate spaces. Do you have a stamp? I need to have these divorce papers in the mailbox by noon or else it won't be finalized in time for the next show. Are you getting a good angle on this?

JON
I wonder if Cindy likes Cooler Ranch. That might be a good way to get back in touch. Just call her up, say, "Cindy, do you like Cooler Ranch Doritos? How about we eat some sometime." Yeah.

I Invite You to Monday Afternoon Story Time at Border's, Columbus Circle

Okay, parents – Cadence and I just don’t know why you’re not dancing. We keep trying to understand you guys, but you just make it really, really difficult. Challenging. Challengingly difficult.
I mean, this is Cyndie Lauper’s “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”! All of your tiny persons are shakin’ it loose up here on our special boogie-woogie shag rug in their own uniquely awesome ways. How can you not be jumping from your seats to join them? Are you just too busy booking appointments at Polish waxing salons to love your tiny adults, or something? Yeah, Blackberry lady, I mean you. Or maybe it’s because since you’re not a girl, you think the song doesn’t apply to you, baldie in the front? Well not only is that opinion wrong, but it’s also sexist. DOUBLE wrong. Tuck your Dockers into your socks and fucking come bust a move from your days at the discothèque, or something, if you don’t want me to file a discrimination suit on Monday.
Now, my little rock and rollers, don’t we want mommy and daddy to come dance with us? Don’t we crave their love and support! Won’t we hate them forever and get our genitals pierced if they don’t come sing along to Cyndie Lauper right this second? Hooray! You heard them, folks! Now you’re all obligated to get up and dance! Unless you want Cadence and I to think you’re racists! Racist Terrorists! Come on, get up and dance!
Cadence and I sure love this groove, my little home slices! I think you’re all doing a great job expressing your emotion in a healthy physical way. I’m so glad we’re all so empowered today! Feel the natural power of the human chi! Do you feel that, power suit lady? The chi? I think it’d be a lot easier to feel it if you ended your phone conversation and joined the rest of us. And yes I speak French too, madame, and I believe the word you were looking for was le putain. I don’t think le slutbag de patchouli is actual French. Maybe in the South. Frankly I’m not sure.
Listen, this isn’t some chump story hour at Borders in Weehawken, okay? This is Borders Story Rockin’ Time, in Columbus Circle. Okay, you guys? There’s a Williams and Sonoma down stairs. This is the real shit right here. And I think I can speak for Cadence as well when I say we both would really appreciate it if you started acting accordingly.
Now. Can we have a daddy-daughter team of volunteer for our Rockin’ Summer Solstice sacrifice? Before you freak, the goat is already dead, we just need you to smear the blood on your firstborn’s forehead. We’ll cover the chanting! How about you, Sandra? Are you the oldest?

I Invite You to Approve of the Edgy Facebook "Usernames" I Am Considering Adopting, In Order to Drive Up Traffic to my Page

Robert Pattinson

Robert Pattinson's girlfriend

Robert Pattinson's boyfriend