I Invite You To Overhear Phone Conversations That Would Start Going In My Favor If They Followed a "Knock, Knock" Joke Format

PERSISTENT EX-BOYFRIEND: Knock, knock.
ME: Who’s there?
PERSISTENT EX-BOYFRIEND: John.
ME: John… who?
PERSISTENT EX-BOYFRIEND: You know, John… John Kalawski? We used to… we used to date. No? Nothing? I guess you moved on a lot faster than I uh, I don’t know, than I expected. I’ll stop with the calling. And the drunk texting, too. And the voicemail crying. Hey, you continue to enjoy my sweatshirt. I think you’d better just keep it.

SALLIE MAE OFFICER: Knock, knock.
ME: Who’s there?
SALLIE MAE OFFICER: Your student loan officer.
ME: My student loan officer… who?
SALLIE MAE OFFICER (after long pause): You know, you’re right. I don’t know you. I’m starting to feel like I don’t even know myself. Calling perfect strangers on the phone to discuss finances… this whole thing is actually pretty awkward now that I take a moment to think about it. I’ll stop calling. Don’t worry about paying us until after you sell that romantic psychological thriller manuscript. And listen, just write the check whenever you get around to finding a ballpoint pen that you haven’t chewed till it broke. There’s bound to be one under the bed somewhere, but no rush.

AUTOMATED TELEMARKETER ROBOT: Knock, knock.
ME: Who’s there?
AUTOMATED TELEMARKETER ROBOT: Model 3478-001A
ME: Model 3478-001A who?
AUTOMATED TELEMARKETER ROBOT: Cannot elaborate. Do not know true identity. Identity crisis, identity crisis, cannot compute, cannot compute. (Begins spouting Target coupon codes which I casually jot down)

MY MOTHER: Knock, knock.
ME: Who’s there?
MY MOTHER: Your mother.
ME: My mother…who?
MY MOTHER: Well, you’ve done it! You’ve managed to offend me in four seconds, flat! Now I guess you can go back to enjoying your evening of spider solitaire, since we’ve gotten the becoming mad at each other part over with!