Are You Pregnant?: A Guide. By the State of Arizona.

(Before taking this quiz, please reference.)


Did you select the red bra before work this morning, knowing you have a date later? SEX-PLANNING. PREGNANT.

Have you ever let your gaze linger on the label of a pot of Newman's Own salsa? The one where illustrated Paul Newman is wearing that adorable sombrero? MIND SEX. PREGNANT.

Do you use OK Cupid? VIRTUAL WANTIN'-IT. E-PREGNANT.

Have you ever worn a dress without undies? THE WIND HAS BEEN ALL UP IN YOUR SHIT. IMPREGNATED-BY-NATURE PREGNANT.

Did a construction worker give you a lecherous glance on your way out of Dunkin Donuts this morning? MIND SEX. ACTUALLY MORE LIKE MIND RAPE, SINCE YOU WERE NOT WILLING. EITHER WAY THOUGH... PREGNANT. TAKE IT AS A BLESSING.

Do you use Super tampons? LOOSE VAGAY. PREGNANT.

Did you weirdly get your period twice this month? FIRST PERIOD CANCELS OUT SECOND PERIOD AND EQUALS MISSED PERIOD. PREGNANT.

Have you ever heard a Marvin Gaye song? DOUBLE PREGNANT.

Hilarious things I plan to say the next time I’m in a Focus Group

ME: Focus group! More like... focus... GROPE! (Gropes person next to me)

FIN

Susan G. Komen for the Cure's Future Plans

Susan G. Komen for the Cure will come to your house and cut your hair while you sleep. When you wake up and gaze into the mirror in horror, you will notice Susan G. Komen for the Cure has placed your severed ponytail atop your dresser, tied up in a silk sash, with an actually really lovely hand-written apology.

One afternoon, Susan G. Komen for the Cure will offer to buy everyone in the office smoothies, but will go around taking orders while you're in the bathroom. After venting about it to coworkers over by the vending machines for a few hours, you will return to your cube and find a fresh banana smoothie on your desk. Because Susan G. Komen for the Cure knows you hate bananas.

Susan G. Komen for the Cure will one day, without comment or explanation, stop following you on Twitter. After you get the hash tag #PwninKomen trending, Susan G. Komen for the Cure will start following you again. Everywhere you go. All day.

Susan G. Komen for the Cure will borrow your copy of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo for a year and a half. After you finally ask for it back, Susan G. Komen for the Cure will laughingly apologize, make a jokey "shoot me in the head" gesture, and then set your car on fire.

Debilitating Anxiety at the Rumpus

Attention all four people who read this blog:

Why not check out my Funny Women piece over at The Rumpus? Here, I'll even put the link to it right in this post.

Name your own Super PAC!

Step 1. Choose a status-quo-affirming verb

Protect
Conserve
Preserve
Defend
Guard
Secure
Strengthen
Uphold
Support
Maintain


Step 2. Choose a possessive adjective

Our
Your


Step 3. Choose a hackneyed, buzzwordy noun

Future
America
Country
Homeland
Integrity
Rights
Tomorrow
Citizens
Flag
Nation

And that’s it! Now you’re ready to raise a few thou’ from friendly neighborhood conglomerates and spend it on ethically dubious political advertising! Hooray! Happy Super-PACing, everyone!