I Invite You to Relive Scroll Bowl!

Hello, nurse!

This post contains my scroll from Sunday's Scroll Bowl 3. WHICH was a huge success. So thanks if you came out to Hugs and made it so!

Read on if you care to relive the awesome power of Scroll Bowl via an internet box.


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Weekly Arlington Catholic High School Newsletter: Scroll Bowl Prom edition, Written by Sister Mary Scanlon, math teacher

Dear Students and Parents,

I am delighted, thrilled, enchanted and enamored to announce that we have settled on a theme for this year's senior scroll bowl: A Touch Of Class. I'm sure you'll find this theme to be a perfect blend of whimsy and maturity. I think I speak for all parents here on the PTA board when I say how thoroughly, wholeheartedly, splendidly and spectacularly we have enjoyed watching you grow, learn, and mature over these past scroll bowls. We are very much looking forward to seeing you and your scrolls all dolled up for this, the most magical, fantastical, whimsical and transitional night of your lives to date. (Please note: i mean "magical" in the literary sense of the word. Any practicing of black magic, voo doo or Protestantism will result in a barring from the event.)

I'm sure I won't be the first to tell you students that we all expect the utmost maturity from you come prom night. Please recall that you are no longer children, but indeed, young adults. And as young adults, you assume a whole new class of responsibilities, ethics, commitments, and standards. If you heed our few simple requests, we are confident that all students, faculty, and parents will have a most magical scroll bowl experience.

When scrolling, please always remember to leave at least 2 feet of room between you and your scroll for the Holy Spirit. We certainly want this event to remain an evening of wholesome fun, and we all know any uncouth touching could ruin this for us all. Not to mention resulting in the eternal burning of your immortal soul.

As you should be well aware, the consumption of alcoholic beverages will not be tolerated by administrators. All purses, pockets and garter belts are subject to inspection, and should we find that any one of you has provided alcohol for your underage scroll, you will be dismissed from the event and subject to further disciplinary action by both the Dean of Students and our Lord and Savior. Please behave as the young adults we know you are.

if you would like your pictured taken with your scroll, Don from Don-ned Good Portraits will be on hand manufacturing professional photographic memories. You may choose from three backgrounds: moonlight serenade, under the sea, or the scene of the birth of Jesus. Please be sure you check the appropriate box on the photo form prior to lining up for your photos.

And last but not least, please remember to have a fantastic, wonderful, amazing, life-changing experience at your senior Scroll Bowl. And please bring all checks made payable to the school to my classroom by Tuesday.

Sincerely, with God's grace,

Sister Scanlon

I Invite You To Overhear Phone Conversations That Would Start Going In My Favor If They Followed a "Knock, Knock" Joke Format

PERSISTENT EX-BOYFRIEND: Knock, knock.
ME: Who’s there?
PERSISTENT EX-BOYFRIEND: John.
ME: John… who?
PERSISTENT EX-BOYFRIEND: You know, John… John Kalawski? We used to… we used to date. No? Nothing? I guess you moved on a lot faster than I uh, I don’t know, than I expected. I’ll stop with the calling. And the drunk texting, too. And the voicemail crying. Hey, you continue to enjoy my sweatshirt. I think you’d better just keep it.

SALLIE MAE OFFICER: Knock, knock.
ME: Who’s there?
SALLIE MAE OFFICER: Your student loan officer.
ME: My student loan officer… who?
SALLIE MAE OFFICER (after long pause): You know, you’re right. I don’t know you. I’m starting to feel like I don’t even know myself. Calling perfect strangers on the phone to discuss finances… this whole thing is actually pretty awkward now that I take a moment to think about it. I’ll stop calling. Don’t worry about paying us until after you sell that romantic psychological thriller manuscript. And listen, just write the check whenever you get around to finding a ballpoint pen that you haven’t chewed till it broke. There’s bound to be one under the bed somewhere, but no rush.

AUTOMATED TELEMARKETER ROBOT: Knock, knock.
ME: Who’s there?
AUTOMATED TELEMARKETER ROBOT: Model 3478-001A
ME: Model 3478-001A who?
AUTOMATED TELEMARKETER ROBOT: Cannot elaborate. Do not know true identity. Identity crisis, identity crisis, cannot compute, cannot compute. (Begins spouting Target coupon codes which I casually jot down)

MY MOTHER: Knock, knock.
ME: Who’s there?
MY MOTHER: Your mother.
ME: My mother…who?
MY MOTHER: Well, you’ve done it! You’ve managed to offend me in four seconds, flat! Now I guess you can go back to enjoying your evening of spider solitaire, since we’ve gotten the becoming mad at each other part over with!

I Invite You to Follow My Day's Events, Translated into Straight-to-DVD Horror Movie Titles For Your Convenience

I Know That I Didn't Shower This Morning

G Train: The Waiting

Mysterious Mysteries of the Unexplained: Why Men In Suits Insist on Elbowing Past Me on the Most Crowded Train Platform in the Universe So They May Have the Distinct Pleasure of Being That Four Extra Inches Closer to the Front of a Line That Isn't Even Moving

The Dying Death of the Dead: Enter the Cube

I'll Bet They Have Excel In Hell: The Mailer-Daemon Demon Musical!

Let It Bleed: This Paper Cut Looks More Serious Than Average, I'd Better Apply Pressure, Does Anyone Have Any Gauze?

The Grudge: Is It Totally Fucking Difficult to Not Knock My Lunch Over in the Refrigerator and Cause the Salad Dressing to Leak Out of My Cheap Dollar Store Tupperware and Create a Giant Mess that I Must Clean My Damn Self or Risk Being Seen as Inconsiderate Even Though I'm Not Even The One That Did It?

I Still Know That I Didn't Shower: Baby Powder Can't Conceal Those Greasy Roots Forever

March of the Damned: My 20 Minute Stroll Around the Office, Sporting Faux-Determined Facial Expression, Possibly Toting Notepad, Thereby Convincing Coworkers That Said Stroll Has Purpose Other Than Time Wasting

The Three (Times I've Had To Redo This Project Due To Misunderstanding Basic Instructions)

I'll Always Know That I Didn't Shower: Maybe a Ponytail..?

I Invite You to Fully Comprehend the Effects of the Recession

Johnson & Johnson experienced a small drop in profit in the first quarter, as many cash-strapped Americans are cutting back by just using their own spit to masturbate with.

Though the economy may be hitting rock bottom, there is a reported decline in recent AA meeting attendance. Unfortunately there is a rise in debt-mired alcoholics skipping AA meetings to douse themselves in Jack Daniels and set themselves on fire.

The economic meltdown is inspiring many people to cancel fancy trips in favor of "stay-cations", which is a very clever word for using vacation time to sit on the couch and eat ramen noodles out of old cool whip containers while watching basic cable. Oh but also while wearing a bathing suit.

Mrs. Bernie Madoff has been banned from her UES beauty salon, as the rich clientele, made slightly less rich by her husband's Ponzi scheme, can't stand the sight of her. Another place Mrs. Madoff has been banned from? The gold swimming pool at Equinox.

According to the Financial Times, women have started purchasing more liquid foundation, instead of the usual go-to of lipstick, in times of economic strife. Apparently liquid foundation contains 7 daily nutrients and has a higher caloric value than a measly lipstick.

Even the once glamorous auto shows of GM and Chrysler are being hit by the economic downturn. Just some of the signs of depression include showgirls being forced to wear the same designer suits as last year, the utter lack of acrobatic dolphins jumping from one sea-water-filled hummer to the next, and the unsightly absence of William Shatner tap dancing atop a pile of Cadillacs. Shameful!

Goldman Sachs may be the first big bank to repay its government loans after a hefty first quarter profit, meaning that they can finally give up the exhaustive and time consuming activity of pretending to give a fuck and get back to blatantly not giving a fuck.

A New York law firm is paying some of its lawyers a third of their annual salary to take a year off from work. These lawyers now join the ranks with Michael Jackson's prepubescent friends in the "Famously Paid to Go Away" hall of fame.

I Invite You to Indoor Gym

Okay, kids, it's indoor gym today.

I know you've grown fond of our springtime walks through the neighborhood cemetery, but it is raining cats and dogs outside right now. And everybody knows that when it rains, the ground gets too mushy and laden with zombie corpses for us to walk on. Disappointing, I know, but if someone gets so much as slimed on by a zombie I'm going to be up to my ears in paperwork, so let's just try to avoid the whole situation with a nice game of indoor handball.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I just found out this morning that my pitch to have the school's budget surplus spent on the development of a 100% non-hallowed-ground playing field was denied. The surplus this year went to new zombie outreach programs, so it's looking like we won't have a spiritually pure outdoor space to officially call Wildcats property until at least 2010, so we're going to have to deal with it till then. What can you do.

I certainly hope no one forgot their sneaker shoes today. If you only have your oxfords, you'll have to sit in the bleachers and receive a demerit for this period. Though I'm going to insist you wear protective goggles anyways, just in case a stray handball exceeds the bounds of the blue tape on the basketball court. Also, I've locked the gymnasium doors, but I cannot guarantee that a wayward zombie will not bust the lock and attempt to suck the eyeballs clean out of your skull. So please kids, the goggles, they're in the mesh bag hanging from the doorknob.

Now you're going to need to divide yourselves into two teams. I'm going to say Mary and Joey will serve as team captains, so come on up here you guys and pick your teams. You guys are natural leaders, so please condone sportsmanship in the game, and levelheadedness in the case of a zombie invasion. Remember what we said about meandering aimlessly with no show of emotion at the first sign of a militant zombie? And please be sure to keep your giggling to a minimum this time, Jason, as I forgot my good axe in my shed and therefore won't be there to hack the skull of every annoyed zombie trying to attack you. You can groan all you want, but no giggling. Let's all behave respectfully, please, and honor the cultural customs of any zombies we may encounter during this period and for the rest of the day.

Okay, let's have Mary's team grab some pinnies and we can get this game started! If a friendly wandering zombie asks to play we can of course accommodate him, but please, don't give him a pinnie if you take him on your team, Mary, as sludge of the undead always clogs up the washing machines. Just try to remember whose team the zombie is on everyone, or call a "TO" if you get confused.

Those of you in the bleachers, please work quietly on other projects, and those of you in play get into position. Remember, this is indoor gym today, so I'm going to ask you to use your inside voices. We don't want to disturb neighboring classes who are trying to learn, and we all should know at this point that screaming loudly when zombies may be within ear shot is pretty much asking for it.

Get ready for the whistle!