Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I Invite You To Overhear Phone Conversations That Would Start Going In My Favor If They Followed a "Knock, Knock" Joke Format

PERSISTENT EX-BOYFRIEND: Knock, knock.
ME: Who’s there?
PERSISTENT EX-BOYFRIEND: John.
ME: John… who?
PERSISTENT EX-BOYFRIEND: You know, John… John Kalawski? We used to… we used to date. No? Nothing? I guess you moved on a lot faster than I uh, I don’t know, than I expected. I’ll stop with the calling. And the drunk texting, too. And the voicemail crying. Hey, you continue to enjoy my sweatshirt. I think you’d better just keep it.

SALLIE MAE OFFICER: Knock, knock.
ME: Who’s there?
SALLIE MAE OFFICER: Your student loan officer.
ME: My student loan officer… who?
SALLIE MAE OFFICER (after long pause): You know, you’re right. I don’t know you. I’m starting to feel like I don’t even know myself. Calling perfect strangers on the phone to discuss finances… this whole thing is actually pretty awkward now that I take a moment to think about it. I’ll stop calling. Don’t worry about paying us until after you sell that romantic psychological thriller manuscript. And listen, just write the check whenever you get around to finding a ballpoint pen that you haven’t chewed till it broke. There’s bound to be one under the bed somewhere, but no rush.

AUTOMATED TELEMARKETER ROBOT: Knock, knock.
ME: Who’s there?
AUTOMATED TELEMARKETER ROBOT: Model 3478-001A
ME: Model 3478-001A who?
AUTOMATED TELEMARKETER ROBOT: Cannot elaborate. Do not know true identity. Identity crisis, identity crisis, cannot compute, cannot compute. (Begins spouting Target coupon codes which I casually jot down)

MY MOTHER: Knock, knock.
ME: Who’s there?
MY MOTHER: Your mother.
ME: My mother…who?
MY MOTHER: Well, you’ve done it! You’ve managed to offend me in four seconds, flat! Now I guess you can go back to enjoying your evening of spider solitaire, since we’ve gotten the becoming mad at each other part over with!

Monday, May 18, 2009

I Invite You to Follow My Day's Events, Translated into Straight-to-DVD Horror Movie Titles For Your Convenience

I Know That I Didn't Shower This Morning

G Train: The Waiting

Mysterious Mysteries of the Unexplained: Why Men In Suits Insist on Elbowing Past Me on the Most Crowded Train Platform in the Universe So They May Have the Distinct Pleasure of Being That Four Extra Inches Closer to the Front of a Line That Isn't Even Moving

The Dying Death of the Dead: Enter the Cube

I'll Bet They Have Excel In Hell: The Mailer-Daemon Demon Musical!

Let It Bleed: This Paper Cut Looks More Serious Than Average, I'd Better Apply Pressure, Does Anyone Have Any Gauze?

The Grudge: Is It Totally Fucking Difficult to Not Knock My Lunch Over in the Refrigerator and Cause the Salad Dressing to Leak Out of My Cheap Dollar Store Tupperware and Create a Giant Mess that I Must Clean My Damn Self or Risk Being Seen as Inconsiderate Even Though I'm Not Even The One That Did It?

I Still Know That I Didn't Shower: Baby Powder Can't Conceal Those Greasy Roots Forever

March of the Damned: My 20 Minute Stroll Around the Office, Sporting Faux-Determined Facial Expression, Possibly Toting Notepad, Thereby Convincing Coworkers That Said Stroll Has Purpose Other Than Time Wasting

The Three (Times I've Had To Redo This Project Due To Misunderstanding Basic Instructions)

I'll Always Know That I Didn't Shower: Maybe a Ponytail..?