Live blogging meant to keep you up to date on the developments occurring live at Nora Roberts' "Midnight Bayou."
9:10 pm
Uh oh, ghosts!
9:15 pm
Terrific slow motion walking sequence. True love strikes between Jerry O'Connell and smarmy Southern girl in scarf.
9:20 pm
Sassy corn bread talk.
9:22 pm
Very informative Cabinet Factory commercial.
9:25 pm
Information overload. Something about a knife fight and prostitutes... your average snooze fest.
9:26 pm
First mention of Jumbalaya. Explain-a-thon of emotional pasts continues. All broken baby bird wings are exhaustively revealed. Scarf girl has traded in scarf for large necklace, presumably made of human bone.
9:28 pm
Jerry O'Connell eats a sandwich on the stairs. Ham or Turkey? This motif is never explored.
9:28 pm, cont'd
Horny ghost maid subplot ensues. Jerry O'Connell discovers more mysteriously furnished rooms. Could it have been the benevolent IKEA commercial lady, or was it someone... or something... else?
9:31 pm
My television freezes due to thunderstorm.
9:32 pm
Television functioning again. Have missed several sentences of the neverending barage of back story explaining and thus am completely lost. This is a perfect opportunity to bring the sandwich back into the forefront of the story, but we're not here to nitpick the director's vision.
9:43 pm
I've become distracted by snacks.
--
Due to unforseen highly important circumstances, we have concluded tonight's live blogging session early. We encourage you to stay up to date on the Nora Roberts' "Midnight Bayou" by tuning into Lifetime Television for Women, setting foot in any train station on the New York City Transit System, or becoming a ghost of the bayou.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
I Invite You to the Crazy, Price-slashing Extravaganza!
Hello – furniture lovers! We are pleased to announce that Jeannette’s Home Furniture is now open for business, here in historic Fall River, Massachusetts - home of Lizzie Borden.
Are you looking for a new recliner? Look no further than Jeanette’s fall collection. We’ve got everything you could possibly ever want or need… in a recliner.
Behold our custom, genuine leather recliner. This chair is so comfortable, you won’t be able to believe it. You will feel like you are sitting on a cloud. Cloud 9, even. In fact, if you mention “cloud nine” when you enter our store, we’ll give you a 10% discount.
You may be looking at this living room set here, and you may want to ask me, “Jeanette, have we somehow been transported to 1994 England, and are we in Princess Diana’s Buckingham Palace quarters?” Well, the answer to that inquiry is, no. But it’s a damn close call with our Royalty Set, complete with 2 lamps, couch, love seat and rug. In fact if you mention “hideous car wreck” when you enter our store, we’ll throw in an ottoman absolutely free of charge.
Looking for a new bed? Look no further than Jeanette’s.
This Jeanette’s custom made queen size mattress is so comfortable, you’ll feel like you’re back inside your mother’s womb. Every single night. Sound too comfortable to be true? Well only Jeanette’s offers the mother’s womb guarantee – if our mattress does not prove to be as comfortable as you remember your mother’s womb to be, we will be happy to give you a full refund. All this for only 499.99.
This bed frame is made of genuine oak. Or Maplewood. Or something of that nature. But it definitely came from a tree that our own Jeanette’s lumberjacks cut down by hand from the park down the street, making it 100% wood of some kind. That’s a Jeanette’s guarantee.
This one over here is our brand new “Serenity Bed”. Sit down with me, won’t you? I’m already so relaxed, and I’ve only been sitting on this bed for… a few seconds, now. So you can only imagine how relaxed you’ll be after a few… hours. Of full on sleeping. It’ll be like a little slice of heaven. As you drift off to sleep you’ll be able to hear God himself whisperin’ to you, “child, you have made me proud, and I reward you with this custom Jeanette’s bed.”
So come on down to Jeanette’s. You probably won’t find any place like us. And we know you don’t feel like lookin’. We’re right here in Fall River. Jordan’s furniture is a good 20-minute drive, and you’d have to get on the highway for that. We know you’re sick of that lazy boy you found on a sidewalk in Dorchester. And you know that case of scabies wasn’t just coincidence, either. So come on down and let us sell you an exciting, new recliner. We’ll even help tie it to the roof of your minivan. In fact if you say “minivan” when you enter our store, we’ll do all the labor for free. Plus I’ll throw in a footstool, a 6 pack of AA batteries, some light bulbs, and 2 of my own children. The good ones, from my first marriage. So get down to Jeannette’s before these deals expire. Jeanette’s: because hey, you’re sick of lookin’.
Are you looking for a new recliner? Look no further than Jeanette’s fall collection. We’ve got everything you could possibly ever want or need… in a recliner.
Behold our custom, genuine leather recliner. This chair is so comfortable, you won’t be able to believe it. You will feel like you are sitting on a cloud. Cloud 9, even. In fact, if you mention “cloud nine” when you enter our store, we’ll give you a 10% discount.
You may be looking at this living room set here, and you may want to ask me, “Jeanette, have we somehow been transported to 1994 England, and are we in Princess Diana’s Buckingham Palace quarters?” Well, the answer to that inquiry is, no. But it’s a damn close call with our Royalty Set, complete with 2 lamps, couch, love seat and rug. In fact if you mention “hideous car wreck” when you enter our store, we’ll throw in an ottoman absolutely free of charge.
Looking for a new bed? Look no further than Jeanette’s.
This Jeanette’s custom made queen size mattress is so comfortable, you’ll feel like you’re back inside your mother’s womb. Every single night. Sound too comfortable to be true? Well only Jeanette’s offers the mother’s womb guarantee – if our mattress does not prove to be as comfortable as you remember your mother’s womb to be, we will be happy to give you a full refund. All this for only 499.99.
This bed frame is made of genuine oak. Or Maplewood. Or something of that nature. But it definitely came from a tree that our own Jeanette’s lumberjacks cut down by hand from the park down the street, making it 100% wood of some kind. That’s a Jeanette’s guarantee.
This one over here is our brand new “Serenity Bed”. Sit down with me, won’t you? I’m already so relaxed, and I’ve only been sitting on this bed for… a few seconds, now. So you can only imagine how relaxed you’ll be after a few… hours. Of full on sleeping. It’ll be like a little slice of heaven. As you drift off to sleep you’ll be able to hear God himself whisperin’ to you, “child, you have made me proud, and I reward you with this custom Jeanette’s bed.”
So come on down to Jeanette’s. You probably won’t find any place like us. And we know you don’t feel like lookin’. We’re right here in Fall River. Jordan’s furniture is a good 20-minute drive, and you’d have to get on the highway for that. We know you’re sick of that lazy boy you found on a sidewalk in Dorchester. And you know that case of scabies wasn’t just coincidence, either. So come on down and let us sell you an exciting, new recliner. We’ll even help tie it to the roof of your minivan. In fact if you say “minivan” when you enter our store, we’ll do all the labor for free. Plus I’ll throw in a footstool, a 6 pack of AA batteries, some light bulbs, and 2 of my own children. The good ones, from my first marriage. So get down to Jeannette’s before these deals expire. Jeanette’s: because hey, you’re sick of lookin’.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
I Invite You to Take Advantage of the Second Best Excuse to Walk Around Like a Geisha
Besides being invited into the home of a family of geishas and attempting to honor their cultural customs. Or impersonating a geisha to entrap sexual predators. Or a Halloween party.
Anyways, the answer is a steadily ripping seam in the back of your once adorable pencil skirt.
Anyways, the answer is a steadily ripping seam in the back of your once adorable pencil skirt.
Monday, March 9, 2009
I Invite You to Muse About Scrolls
Hello, Internets!
Last night I had the honor of reading at the Scroll Bowl, housed by the lovely Stain Bar in Williamsburg, and let me tell you a thing about it: it was fantastic. Lots of really happening storytelling from really happening people! Thanks to the talented and well-groomed powers that be at Scroll Bowl for having me!
Please enjoy my Scroll Bowl piece, which you will find recreated below:
Scroll vs. Stone Tablet Ad Campaign
Ad 1
Scroll and Stone Tablet stand unassumingly before a large white backdrop. Scroll sports a casual smirk and New Balance cross trainers sneakers, thus encapsulating his laid back attitude, while Stone Tablet furrows his brow nervously and straightens his polyester tie, which clearly identifies him as an outdated loser.
SCROLL
Hello, I’m a Scroll.
STONE TABLET
And I’m a Stone Tablet.
Scroll begins to roll himself up completely, and then unroll himself.
STONE TABLET
Hey Scroll, what are you doing?
SCROLL
Oh, I’m just rolling and unrolling myself. My flexible texture makes me perfect to tote along to business meetings with the Pharaoh, or on the family vacation to the Dead Sea. I’m so lightweight and portable - your camel will hardly notice I’m there.
STONE TABLET
Oh.
Ad 2
Scroll writes upon himself with a quill. He stops to ponder, poising the tip of his quill near his lip, then goes back and crosses out a sentence before continuing to write fluidly.
STONE TABLET
What are you doing now?
SCROLL
Oh I’m just working on my novel. Since I’m made of such highly absorbent and adaptable material, writing has never been easier. I’m just brainstorming about the motivations of my heroine, Rebeccah, who goes totally “Kill Bill” on her husband when she finds out he has been spending all his money on expensive headscarves for concubine number three instead of sending their sons to the exclusive private school in the fanciest tent in the desert.
STONE TABLET
That’s interesting, Scroll. Maybe I’ll start working on my, uh, my screenplay. Yeah I mean it’s been in my head all these years I think it’s really time for me to flesh our my character arcs, you know? Yeah I think I’ll start that right now.
Stone Tablet grimaces smugly in Scroll’s direction, and then reaches for his chisel and hammer. As he bangs crude letters upon himself, he releases blood curdling yelps and cries.
SCROLL
That sounds painful, Stone Tablet. You’d better make it a haiku.
Ad 3
Stone Tablet enters, wearing a long white beard and a robe. He struts regally toward Scroll.
STONE TABLET
Hello, Scroll.
SCROLL
Hey, Stone Tablet. What’s with the get up?
STONE TABLET
Oh I just want to remind people that Stone Tablets are great for really important documents, religious artifacts, and other Godly items.
SCROLL
That’s true, Stone Tablet. But did you know that when you bring your stone tablets with you into any Scroll store, one of our Scroll geniuses will transfer all of your files onto scrolls? For free. Whether it’s a scripture passage, a family genealogy or a translation of many different languages. You know, no big deal. Just something us laid back, chilled out Scroll types like to do for our friends.
STONE TABLET
…God shall smite you for this.
Ad 4
Scroll and Stone Tablet stand before the white backdrop, with Scroll gazing brightly forward and Stone Tablet sporting a crazed frown.
Scroll begins to speak.
SCROLL
Hi I’m a –
In a singular movement, Stone Tablet tips himself over, flattening Scroll. Stone Tablet lays motionlessly atop Scroll, grinning and pleased.
STONE TABLET
Looks like rock covers paper today, motherfucker! I’ll tell you what I’m just perfect for, I’m just perfect for crushing smug a-holes mid-speech! I just –
A hairline crack begins to run up the center of Stone Tablet, and more cracks branch out, enveloping Stone Tablet like rapidly growing vines. All at once, Stone Tablet crumbles into several separate pieces.
Scroll bounces up carelessly, dusts off his NBs and smiles.
SCROLL
It is written… Get a scroll.
Last night I had the honor of reading at the Scroll Bowl, housed by the lovely Stain Bar in Williamsburg, and let me tell you a thing about it: it was fantastic. Lots of really happening storytelling from really happening people! Thanks to the talented and well-groomed powers that be at Scroll Bowl for having me!
Please enjoy my Scroll Bowl piece, which you will find recreated below:
Scroll vs. Stone Tablet Ad Campaign
Ad 1
Scroll and Stone Tablet stand unassumingly before a large white backdrop. Scroll sports a casual smirk and New Balance cross trainers sneakers, thus encapsulating his laid back attitude, while Stone Tablet furrows his brow nervously and straightens his polyester tie, which clearly identifies him as an outdated loser.
SCROLL
Hello, I’m a Scroll.
STONE TABLET
And I’m a Stone Tablet.
Scroll begins to roll himself up completely, and then unroll himself.
STONE TABLET
Hey Scroll, what are you doing?
SCROLL
Oh, I’m just rolling and unrolling myself. My flexible texture makes me perfect to tote along to business meetings with the Pharaoh, or on the family vacation to the Dead Sea. I’m so lightweight and portable - your camel will hardly notice I’m there.
STONE TABLET
Oh.
Ad 2
Scroll writes upon himself with a quill. He stops to ponder, poising the tip of his quill near his lip, then goes back and crosses out a sentence before continuing to write fluidly.
STONE TABLET
What are you doing now?
SCROLL
Oh I’m just working on my novel. Since I’m made of such highly absorbent and adaptable material, writing has never been easier. I’m just brainstorming about the motivations of my heroine, Rebeccah, who goes totally “Kill Bill” on her husband when she finds out he has been spending all his money on expensive headscarves for concubine number three instead of sending their sons to the exclusive private school in the fanciest tent in the desert.
STONE TABLET
That’s interesting, Scroll. Maybe I’ll start working on my, uh, my screenplay. Yeah I mean it’s been in my head all these years I think it’s really time for me to flesh our my character arcs, you know? Yeah I think I’ll start that right now.
Stone Tablet grimaces smugly in Scroll’s direction, and then reaches for his chisel and hammer. As he bangs crude letters upon himself, he releases blood curdling yelps and cries.
SCROLL
That sounds painful, Stone Tablet. You’d better make it a haiku.
Ad 3
Stone Tablet enters, wearing a long white beard and a robe. He struts regally toward Scroll.
STONE TABLET
Hello, Scroll.
SCROLL
Hey, Stone Tablet. What’s with the get up?
STONE TABLET
Oh I just want to remind people that Stone Tablets are great for really important documents, religious artifacts, and other Godly items.
SCROLL
That’s true, Stone Tablet. But did you know that when you bring your stone tablets with you into any Scroll store, one of our Scroll geniuses will transfer all of your files onto scrolls? For free. Whether it’s a scripture passage, a family genealogy or a translation of many different languages. You know, no big deal. Just something us laid back, chilled out Scroll types like to do for our friends.
STONE TABLET
…God shall smite you for this.
Ad 4
Scroll and Stone Tablet stand before the white backdrop, with Scroll gazing brightly forward and Stone Tablet sporting a crazed frown.
Scroll begins to speak.
SCROLL
Hi I’m a –
In a singular movement, Stone Tablet tips himself over, flattening Scroll. Stone Tablet lays motionlessly atop Scroll, grinning and pleased.
STONE TABLET
Looks like rock covers paper today, motherfucker! I’ll tell you what I’m just perfect for, I’m just perfect for crushing smug a-holes mid-speech! I just –
A hairline crack begins to run up the center of Stone Tablet, and more cracks branch out, enveloping Stone Tablet like rapidly growing vines. All at once, Stone Tablet crumbles into several separate pieces.
Scroll bounces up carelessly, dusts off his NBs and smiles.
SCROLL
It is written… Get a scroll.
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